A hard day (so you can't hold your son)

On Thursday, December 20 2018, I left home for work in the morning. That evening, like every Thursday, I got to hang out with Roark. Roark wanted a bit more time than usual to shop for Luz. So, he asked his mom if he could stay out later that night. She gave him an hour more. We called Luz shortly after that and told her we were going to be out just one hour longer than usual. When I got home that night I found Luz sitting on the bed holding Cian. At this time it had been about 14 hours since I had seen him and about 20 hours since I had held him. So, I was really missing him. I asked her if I could hold him. She would not look up at me. She did not even acknowledge that I had spoken. She just ignored me. Then I asked her what was wrong. She just said it had been really hard. I am not sure how. Cian is the best easiest baby I have ever known. But, somehow it was my fault and she was not going to allow me to hold my son whom I had not held for almost an entire day. I was going to have to wait even longer until she would allow me to hold him. And for what? What did I do to deserve to have my son kept from me? Once again she used him to try to hurt me.

So, I left her alone. I found my way in to see Cian and take care of him during the night like I usually do when she has not locked the bedroom door to keep he and I apart.

Driving and singing with my shirt off

My commute is usually long. An hour and a half in the summer is normal. It might seem silly to some, but I love driving in the heat with my windows down, my shirt off, and my voice singing as loudly as my music can go.

I drove home one hot summer day like I like. I went inside and I was happy. I had a good drive full of singing my favorites and feeling the sun and wind on me. When I got inside I was greeted with, "How did you get that scratch?" Luz was looking at the line the seatbelt had made across my abdomen. I told her it was not a scratch. I told her it was just a pressure line created by the seatbelt. She wasn't having it. It was a another cold evening. Even when I showed her it was gone, she was still acting like I had done something wrong.

I made sure to never come back inside again with my shirt off after driving home. I had to endure that jealousy again just because I drove home with my shirt off and came in before I put it back on. Of course, she never apologized even though I am sure she realized how wrong she was. And still I stayed.

The window to "Get the fuck out of my life!"

One Sunday morning, my mom called me and asked me to come up to here place (about 20 minutes away) and help install a window. I figured I would hustle up there and be back in about 2 hours—we had nothing planned for the day and my mom who had helped us so much was asking for a small favor. A few minutes later I heard Luz scheduling a nail appointment. When she got off I asked when her appointment was and explained that I was headed up to my mom's to help she and a couple guys install a window.

She went bonkers. She started screaming at me about how I never tell her what is going on. Now, you have to know that my schedule is very rigid and almost never changes. My work, my time with my boys, and the tiny amount of free time I have in between is the time when I am home. I do nothing else. I have no friends. I don't go out. I literally have the same schedule every week. Now, knowing that and considering that this woman is screaming at me that I never tell her what is going on, you might say, "technically she is right," because for years my rigid schedule has not changed so there has never been a reason to explain it. But she screamed at me nonetheless and continued on into one of her "get the fuck out of my life" tirades.

I took it and I took it. Because my mom asked me to give her a couple hours of help, Luz decided it was cause for screaming at me to, "get the fuck out of my life!" I will never understand what happens in her head. I tried for so many years and I tried everything I could to never bring her to this point. I was constantly in fear of it because I had no way of knowing when or why it would happen again. I stayed and I took the pain. She even skipped my mom's birthday over it. Just Cian, Talon, and I went.

Why are you wearing cologne?

I couldn't wear cologne. If I did, she would go into one of here little jealousy mental pits and think that somehow that meant I was cheating on her. I would get a pissy, "Why are you wearing cologne?" any time I had it on. The only time I did not get that was when I was going out with her.

Even small things like that—just wanting to put some cologne on—got to be a fearful thought. I knew that if I put it on I was going to be questioned and then shunned once again.

Texting a parent of a kid I coached

I have been a coach since I was 18. I coached my brothers and sisters and then a team formally starting when I was 18. When I had my boys, I got the chance and motivation to coach again. So, I coached baseball for the last 10 years. When my oldest started playing for a Sonoma team, I got a chance to coach some more. And when our season ended, I continued to have sessions on the fields at Maxwell.

The mom of one of the boys from the team who came to practice with us at Maxwell seemed to understand that I loved coaching these kids and how I took an interest in them doing well. When these practices at Maxwell were going on, I would text to invite him and his mom would reply with what they had going on or if he could make it.

Then later we had another conversation about Babe Ruth baseball and how the boys were doing.

Her son went to a different school than mine and they both played for their schools. At one point she messaged me asking me about the experience my son was having with his team because her son was not having that good of an experience. We texted briefly about it but I stopped talking to her and kind of left the conversation hanging after just a few messages.

These few very short conversations entirely about baseball and the boys happened over the course of about 9 months. But, each time I had one of these conversations Luz would get pissed. She would tell me how it was going to turn into an affair. She would go into one of her jealous moods and for a week again I was a pariah.

After one of the last conversations she was screaming at me to get the fuck out of her life. She was berating me about carrying on with women. When I asked her who these women were, she could not come up with any names or examples or even fuzzy memories. I gave her my phone and let her go through our messages. She read them and then just kept going. I kept asking her, what am I supposed to do? Was I just supposed to not talk to parents who message me about their players. This mom was not the only parent who messaged me about their players but Luz seemed to take a special interest in this one parent. I could not understand what Luz thought I should do. She could not answer me and just kept telling me how it was going to become an affair.

After the third conversation when she went into her jealous rage, I told her I was not going to do anything differently. I told her that if any parent messages me about their players, I am going to talk. I told her how I can't live. I can't do something I love to do, coach, without feeling like she is going to jump all over me and scream horrible shit at me just because I am talking to a parent about their player. When I told her I was not going to do anything differently, that turned into weeks of pain. She was screaming at me every other day to get the fuck out of her life.

But, this was the first time I did not acquiesce. After about five years of this kind of shit, this was the first time I told her I was not going to give in to her. But, old habits die hard. I left the last conversation hanging and some day I need to explain to this mom what happened.

This was the point where I decided I could not fix her. She was not going to fix herself.

But then, after one of these nights of her screaming at me and me sleeping on the couch like I had for the months before that, she came out of her bedroom at 4 am. She started to ask me how we can fix us. We talked a bit and she kinda listened to what I was saying about not being able to live. I told her about how nothing I could do was ever safe from her wrath. Something as simple as brining her a rose could turn her into a jealous rage. I told her that I did not want her anymore. But the conversation progressed and I told her the only way I would ever be willing to try to fix what we had was if she went and got help for her delusional paranoid jealousy.

She agreed.

She never went.

Kidnapping

After I had ended our relationship, I created a schedule based on our work schedules. Cian was with me certain days and with Luz certain days most often alternating from one day to the next. That way he was able to be with each of us as frequently as possible. On one of these days, I came to get Cian and then Luz got in the shower. I had an appointment at my new house to meet someone to do some work, so Cian and I went over to the house. This was our day together, so Cian was supposed to be with me.

A bit after I arrived at my house, Luz pulled in. She got out and started screaming at me outside. She was irate that I took Cian. She was leaving for work and it was Cian's day with me, but somehow in her mind I had taken him without her permission—as if he was her son and I am just some guy she allows to hang out with my son. Since he was born, that is how it has been. To her I am just a caretaker who gets to be with his own son only at her pleasure.

She screamed at me that if I ever take him like that again she will call the police and charge me with kidnapping. Kidnapping—for taking my son at our agreed upon time when it was his and my day together. See, even with an agreement in place she is the kind of person who would charge her son's father with kidnapping and scream that around all of my new neighbors.

I did nothing wrong. I followed all the rules and pandered to her every whim and still she thought it was ok to do something like this. Once again, in her mind, this was completely right and justified as she told me again later.

Why is that her name?

When Luz and I had been together for about a year when she started to do something weird. When my ex-wife would call to talk about or to the boys, Luz would get angry and ask me repeatedly, "Why is that her name?" Incredulously I would ask, "What do you mean?" And she would just repeat her question. This happened several times and each time I would have no idea what to say when she read my ex-wife's name on my phone when she called. She would just ask "Why is that her name?" every time without any explanation even though I was asking for her to explain. At one point Luz got to screaming it at me, "Why is that her name?!!" over and over.

I kept thinking about it trying to figure out how to appease Luz. I wanted to stop causing her such distress but I did not know what to do. She gave me no explanation and the fact that my ex-wife's name is her name and her last name is my last name because of simply explained reasons, Luz was never close to satisfied or appeased. This repeated berating by Luz finally drove me to just change the name that showed up on my phone so it was my ex-wife's maiden name rather than my last name even though that was not her name.

That was the end of it. All that pain and arguing and bewilderment and anxiety and it was all because my ex-wife's last name was my last name. I went through it all again losing a little bit more of my self respect like every other incident. I was an idiot. I should have seen how irrational and how poor of a communicator Luz was and I should have known these were not things that would change for her. Instead I tried to change myself to appease her irrationality. That never works. I should have left her.

Leisa

Luz has a long time friend. They have known each other for decades and I think she spent more time with Leisa than any of her other friends while we were together. They were old volleyball friends. I would not hesitate to say that they were best friends.

One night Luz and I went into the city to have some fun. Leisa was going to meet us. But, the night continued and Leisa did not show and then eventually said she was not going to make it. We finished our night in the city without incident. I say without incident because Luz had an uncanny way of bringing up things from the past or making something out of nothing like the rose, gum, or dressing up for her and starting a fight. If she had a few drinks while we were out, she usually started something.

We finished our fun in the city and were making our way back to my place in Pleasanton. She was driving and I was talking and trying to create some sort of conversation with Luz. That was usually very difficult unless she was angry or mad about something—which was usually her being angry at me for something. I asked her, "Leisa is financially independent. She has her own home and it is pretty nice. And she is not bad looking. Why has she not had a long term serious relationship?" Luz got immediately defensive. I could see right away this was going to be the incident I was expecting for the night.

Luz got all upset. She asked me if I wanted Leisa. She kept on with it like that until we got to my place. Once inside while I begged and pleaded with her to understand I was just asking out of curiosity and I did not want Leisa, she demanded I show her all my messages. She wanted to see my Apple Messages, facebook messages, emails, and even my LinkedIn messages. This sounds like a short scenario but the arguing and pleading took at least an hour. I showed her everything trying to prove to her that my very slight compliment did not mean that Leisa and I had something going on between us. Luz was so sure of it that she eventually left. She left me there to endure another couple weeks of her ignoring me and putting me through the anxiety of thinking that she was gone.

All I did was ask out of curiosity about her friend because I thought maybe there was some significant reason. I gave her a slight compliment and Luz turned into arguing, suspicion, and more pain for weeks. She thought that compliment meant that her best friend of decades had something going on with me.

Once again, I should have left her. Right there, that was enough pain, paranoia, delusion, and jealousy to run most people off and they would be wise to run. Instead, I endured it and let her do it to me again and again.

Danielle

When I was 14 I had a friend. She was the first friend I would say was a kindred spirit. We had very different upbringings but our cores were so similar. We both got each other. We both had the same sense of humor. We both admired each other for who we were. We both wrote poetry. But, the situation turned tragic. I had a girlfriend who did not appreciate me being friends with another female. So, I reduced my contact with Danielle and it became a problem between us. I never thought I would lose the chance to rebuild what I may have damaged for the sake of some teenage desire.

I got home from school one day and my mom was just getting off the phone. She told me that Danielle was in the hospital. I had no idea. I was freaked. I jumped on my bike and rode from 7th Street to the Sonoma Valley Hospital. I found her in the ICU. Danielle's other best friend, Amanda, was already there. She looked fine. She was sitting up. The three of us talked and we laughed. I never managed to get an apology said in time.

Danielle coughed. She coughed. She coughed and blood started pouring out of her mouth and then it started pulsing out in streams. I ran out to get help. There was no one. The floor was empty. I ran down the hall and found a doctor coming out of the elevator. My mom later told me that he had told her that he thought I was on drugs. I told him to come help. We went. They did what they could. She had bled out from a botched tonsillectomy. I watched my best friend die. I was 14. Danielle was 14.

This experience, pain, and loss was pivotal, seminal, and inspirational for me and was and still is. It is a lesson in timelines, loyalty to self and to those you love, appreciation for what you have when you have it, and in the realization in very impregnating, concrete form that tomorrow is not guaranteed and in fact is likely not to come for many of us. This experience was written on my soul and even while writing this even 30 year later, I get tears and a choked throat.

I learned. I don't want my boys to ever have to experience what I did and especially not the regret—the missed time with someone they love. I have occasionally mentioned Danielle or told the story in part or in full. When it was applicable, I used my experience to teach my boys as best as I can the lessons I learned.

On a few of these occasions, Luz got irritated and asked my why I always talk about Danielle. I told her that I rarely talk about Danielle. I really had spoken about her only maybe 3 times the entire time Luz and I were together. But, when something happens that Luz does not like, in her mind it happens, "all the time," as she likes to say.

Then the last time I ever mentioned this experience or anything having to do with Danielle, Luz blew up at me. She screamed at me asking if I was still in love with Danielle. I had never once said I was in love with Danielle and moreover, I was 14 when Danielle and I were friends. Luz was so jealous about it. Her questioning and screaming descended into her very painful mantra of, "Get the fuck out of my life!!!" She screamed it at me and I pleaded and begged and cried and tried to negotiate for some understanding that never came. I gave up and once again waited the weeks to go by for her rage, anger, disgust, and whatever else goes on inside of her to pass or diminish enough that she would speak to me or even look at me again.

All of that because I was trying to teach my boys not to miss out on the opportunities they had with the people they loved and the people who love them.

Encouraging me to see my brother (and then using it against me to try to take time away from Cian and I)

Since shortly after Cian was born, Luz used our son against me. From the times she kept him from me, ripped him out of my arms and went into the bedroom to lock the door while screaming "you have no right to him!", to the times when she would just take him and leave while telling me nothing about where she was taking him, or when she withheld him from me after I had not seen him for close to 48 hours because of—who knows what, she never explained it. but, all since I told her I did not want her any more, she has threatened in writing and verbally to keep Cian from me as much as possible.

A little background here before you read the messages below. I work a very flexible job. I only have to go into the office two days a week and I usually make it three days a week. I get to be home with Cian four days a week and it has been like this for years and obviously since before Cian was born. But, Luz tries to tell me and everyone else that I have very little time for Cian. Since I left her, I have been with Cian 4+ days a week with no change in my schedule.

Now she had been telling me to go see my brother who lives hours away. I had wanted to but did not so that I could be with Cian. As soon as I agreed to go see my brother, she started using it to say that it somehow restricted the time that I could spend with Cian. I went for a weekend and she continued to use it like she does in the messages below.

Not many people have had someone tell them they are going to use the courts to try to control, limit, and reduce the time you have with your own son. It is one of the most anxiety inducing experiences. It is so painful and sleep depriving. Lying awake night after night worrying if despite the facts and truth the courts will side with the woman like they do so often just out of tradition. Like I said before, the abuse does not end even after the relationship is over.

Winks

You may have read in other posts how I thought it was best if we did not keep the other out of our phones. My theory was that the openness would help us not be jealous or worry. But often, as in this case, it led to trouble. And actually, this time was Luz looking over my shoulder as I was writing work messages to a product manager. I made a joke and sent a wink along with it. Luz saw this and immediately got enraged. She started telling me that I do not send any winks to anyone else and that I must be having an affair with this product manager. She was adamant about this and I told her that I send winks to anyone regardless of their sex. I just like to joke around. She would not listen to it. So, we went into another set of weeks of she treating me like I was a pariah, screaming at me, "get the fuck out of my life!"

I went through all my message and compiled all the winks I could find I sent to anyone at work. I quickly came up with 25 of them. I showed them to her and she still was convinced that the wink I sent to this product manager meant we had something going on. Like usual, I was pained and begged and pleaded and apologized and did everything I could do while she ignored me, moved to the side in the hallway if we were passing each other, left the bed at night when I came in. Weeks of pain all because I made an innocuous joke and sent a wink with it.

Once again, this is so embarrassing. What the hell is wrong with me that I would stay with someone like this?